I sometimes questions life. I reckoned, I'd curse life, I'd throw curses like I'm a mad dog. But that wasn't the case, sometimes I grudgingly take life so serious that when I fail, I blamed it to the heavens. Which on the other hand, unfair.

I wish I could turned back times, I could wipe away the tears of those I've hurt and those whom I have break their hearts to pieces. My mom, my exes, my ex- friends and those along the way, had become an excuse to banter. But the case is closed, they've moved on and so am I.

Let all my errors be a mirror now, at this present life. I know I was a prince when I committed all these. All those things have passed. So let the rivers take it to the deep waters and forget that it all existed at some point in my past life. What matters now is, I am happy, alive and fully well.

What love can't do? Nothing.

Lucky or blessed to have been showered with love. As such I must prove, a lot of people in this world are maiming to be loved. We all are, and looking for someone to accept our flaws and just gladly taking it as it is YOU, is emphatically seldom.

At 24, life is all at risk. Life is all up messy. With all these ups and downs, hide and seek kind of situation, with all the baggage coming from the past that still tauntingly creeping inside me. Yet finding peace is at hand but it cannot be grasp. Gripping through memories and trusting instinct that all is well and that faith can really move mountain.

I have a shaking spirit and a shattered dream. A broken spirit that is trying to compose himself and letting his  inner strength to collide even in the most bizarre way it could possibly be. I have narrowed down the possibilities why on earth human being tend to repeat its mistakes. What's in it that we try to dwell on. I couldn't fathom the idea and I couldn't even understand the way life works.

As of now, I wanted to shout and say " I am loved."

Both by God and Bill. I could only ask for a little time and care.

God:

I have known You a long time ago, when my innocence was at its peak. Before my shattered dreams and broken spirit happened. You have known me even if I was inside my mom's womb. I couldn't predict what your plan will be, or what might be the "best" for me as You know what is best for each and everyone.

I have known You yet I tried not to reach instead I left. It wasn't as dope as i thought it was. Calling You when I needed you badly. And I am asking for your glory again? Do I still deserved to have it? I bet not.

But what can you do? I am here again.

Bill: it has been a tough story for us. A tough start and a lot of trials i reckoned so. It wasn't as happy as we thought it was. Yet you have stayed and even extended your hands to make me safe and let me feel the love that any human beings could give. You are one of the few people who accepted me and let me understand what love and care is. I couldn't ask for more, even your single penny- if I ask you provided it to me.

what can i ask from God? Nothing. I love you Bill.

thank you!

Today seems to be the hardest day of my life, well it started late afternoon yesterday. Seemingly what my proctor told us stunned me badly. I was trying to focus on the greater side of the new job I got into, I mean this means a lot to me. I haven't been working for nearly a year and getting a job with a decent pay is great enough for me to survive day by day.

I told you on my previous post that I joggled two things- but this time it seems I am joggling to confusing things: one I am doubting my capabilities in making it into this realm of banking. Two I am taking the option of finding another job, another process and another sacrifices to make. I am scared, I know it is lame for me to act like this, but there are reasons and facts that I cannot spit out just easily. Considerations and some stuff I have hidden myself for so long.

We all know that we can do best if we are in the place and in a job where we love and passionate about. And I wanted it that way too.

I know I am colliding on something that you would be wondering what it is, I am scared of something that I couldn't even spit out. Believe me, it is tough to be myself. I have gone through hell and with all the variety of trials and drastic changes I had been through I gotten myself street smart. Hence I am not making this as a reason for me to be at ease that by all means "I will still survive." Nope, I will not.

The loneliness is starting to eat me, furthermore my friend is asking me about "when will I be leaving" I can't even delve into this right now. I am trying to set myself into a mood where I could think of better options rather than delaying my bum days for more. I need to hit up the bandwagon at thesame time have a plan to change my routine and predicament today. It is hard to not have a job and money for myself. It's delirious.

Will I survive? I will. Will I make a change? I will. Will I get a job? I will.

So help me God!

It has been said that memories are the only treasure that human beings can look back and it is the only thing that people can keep. It is either good or bad, memories made us who we are today. Regardless of its significance and how it did changed us for better or for worse. We only need to be glad on things that had happened, because whether we take delight on it- it still made a huge impact in our lives as  a person.

I am always grateful with my past, those hard and good times I have had. Truly, it has made me the person that I am today. I know it is too cliche to say it, but in reality our lives collide in such  a bizarre ways that we tend to cling on to.

Scrolling back the time, or should I say, riding back on this uninvented time machine I have gauge how huge is the impact of my past, those naivety and unsung heroes of my life. Shaping me up and molded me to be great and be grateful in everything  I have been through. I have been blabbing this topic  on this blog, but truly, the best topic for me is when I scoured through those memories hidden inside my mind and once again reminisce it, is such an enjoyable yet heartbreaking at times.

My existence has only strengthen by enjoying my life and once again removing grudges I have kept all through the years, instead of bragging I have shifted my mind on beautiful and meaningful things that may give me great lesson and enjoyment.


Now I'm ma-ma, no longer the totoy my friends knew, I can see great changes. And I am doing things to even make my dreams into reality.

I'm a big guy now man!

Mahal ko buhay ko. Thanks God for the grace of gratefulness!

1:02
Today, I am bracing myself. Today I am cinching the belt, I am removing the self-respect. I am taking my chances on this unknown. Glancing on to faces-odd and new. Convincing my inner self  I am fine. I am okay.

Convincing that in life options such as this would somewhat  teach me to be brave. It would somehow gives me  courage to pursue my dreams, to strive hard for it. To put it into reality. But now my nerves are shaking, the brain neurons are simply producing abnormal hormones.

Why on earth did I come up with such a dire choice? Believing, I can do more than this. I can do more than what is possible to bear in mind. But I am sorry, I have assured myself, convinced and have  conjured  that doing this tonight is the only way to survive. This is the clashing of fear and self-respect- the war of pride and need. As much as I wanted to prolong the mindset of " everything will just fall into place" I could not contained myself anymore. The pressure is hunting me.

I could no longer take the agony of my daily hiatus. It is suffocating.

My fear is forcefully wrapping me, it chills me to the bone. All these years, I have been so strong on protecting the one and the only treasure I have- my self-respect. Living decently, and clinging onto this vow was an agreement even before my parents passed away. It was a strong verbal advice, "to live decently."

But on the direst times like this, bracing myself and fastening my seat-belt are the only few things I can do to protect my demureness. My mind is in deep tremor. Would I suck myself  "just" to get something? Or would I go home with my "self-respect" intact?

But I have come up with a decision, I am taking my chance- and I would not change it anymore. For tonight the buzzes of cars and deafening sound of howling old jeepneys and buses as well as their spins are the only cheering melody echoing inside my head. The flickering lights and the noise of EDSA somewhat protecting me, as if the norm's of being human living decently is still afloat. Just as you thought.

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As you can see I only have two posts last month, it was quite a struggle for me to make a draft and just at least jot down all the sturdy things that had happened. Trying to inked it, marking it as a memory and as an experience in life.

My life have gone mature yet I have savor the taste of being immature and indecisive. My jobless status is truly a pain the ass right now. I couldn't agree more on fastening my seat-belt because I know December could be a horror month for me. The direst time of my 2012 life I guess. I have gone all out, on decisions, journeying uncertainly, and meeting wrong people. Having relied on those sturdy promises had caused me pain as well.

My plans have been sucked up terribly. the unbeaten is now fucked up.

But I am holding on to my dreams, to the plans I have shed tears. To the colorful house I have plan to  build. My life is a mess, but certainly this would be a glamorous mess.

My December is quite scary, it's unfathomable. Perhaps relying on positivity is all I can do. Preserving the good vibes and retaining the coolness of my mindset is the best thing that I can possibly do. I have to hold on. I have to take it slow. Life may be a bit rough and turmoil, but there are lessons that are worthy of its picking along the road. I am optimistic that after all these, mine is the last laugh.

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 I would sound so rude and ungrateful at some point if I wouldn't adhere or acknowledge the help that this person have given to me, from shelter, to food, to money and even the comfort when I am down and tired. Nowadays my minds' clogging with all the things running in and out. The suffocation's too much. But he never grew tired of telling me to value my things, budget my money, saved for the least days and of course try to be selfish sometimes. Oh, I know the last phrase do never sound great to you,  but he has major reasons why this has to be included on this post. I have learned and saw that on him myself, with the naked sexy eyes I have.

For the past ungrateful days of mine, I suck up inside the room, I wanted to be alone, talk less and let my mind do the thinking of himself. There are times that I am so terrified that might be one day I will just woke up sleeping on the street, which would be dire if that thing happens. Crossing my fingers not to! And sometimes I fell off the chair, staring unconsciously. The out of work issue melted me down, and the so-called Mr. Depression would come his way to rescue me, obnoxiously to the pit of horrendous life-cracking place.

I am figuring things out, thinking when would that job come its way to me. I've exerted great effort spending time on jobstreet to send my resumes, everyday my routine is to sit down on this tiny orange pumpkin  stall we have, excitedly checking mails. Hoping that some companies would respond to my application. Some did, but heck-  it's call center agent job. I personally don't hate working with this industry, it's just that I hate working on a graveyard shift. My body would then suffer traumatically.

Mike would then insisted that I don't have any other choice than getting a graveyard shift so I would have food to eat, money to spent. Life's getting more and more rhetorical each day. I felt that as I have grown maturely or on the other hand, things are getting complicated. Some says, we don't need to complicate things when it is already given simply. I believe so- but that does not take the part of adjustment. To others it might be simple, but to me- it's getting wearier on my eyes. Hilariously said, life is full of shit, and that's a fact.

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 When everything changes, there's a reason for it. when everything fades- because that's how it is. If life has gone trouble, consider it as a part of our walks of life. Everything happens for a reason, better yet be thankful, be patient. And be the best in everyday life.

In my new job, some of my co-workers are quite jargon on my style of living life. Some can relate, some cannot. But that's there opinion, and it can't make me less of a person that I am today. I'm a man of perseverance and dream! As much as possible, I always think of something that is beyond my comfort zone, something that I consider huge thing on my eyes. We humans tend to be to be contented of what we have, especially we Pinoys. No offense to those who have achieved their dreams with grace, elegance even they have passed through the pit of struggles, pains, sacrifices and a lot more to mention, and yet they made it. Wow, what a spirit.

Yesterday, the first week of our induction training ended. Quite satisfied since I was able to deliver. But unsure for the next week. But then again, I am pretty sure that I will strive to make it. Did you noticed the sure sure sure. I told you, positivity will be the main core of this blog. lol
A bloody bookings, papers to read on, study and a quiz. Wow, everything is just so hard, yet fun.

This week it was a different one from the past, which is way laid back and  contained. Here you will be able to learn more about the financial side of the company, tidbits of travel destinations- locations, best spots. It's more on money side baby. Which is fun!

Before we ended up our first week of induction, we were task to talk to our Brisbane counterpart, which are Aussies. Everyone is scared and nervous. I told myself that on this part I have the edge! I was tasked to talked to Monique, very pleasant voice, new to the business- so do i. I  felt so ecstatic when our conversation goes up and down, it's like we were digging each others life. She asked me about my  job, the training. We are told to be the sailor of the boat. So I claimed my post and driver her to the very peak of our conversation. She's nice very alluring I guess.

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According to my trainer, Australia chose this as an emblem simply because it depicts "moving forward." Moving forward beyond hesitations, beyond negativity and beyond the trials they faced. I might as well count myself in.

I find it so awesome to fathomed the existence of one creature that gives us the ability and a great lessons to depict our lives on it. It's given to those who understand  life- it is unfair. Better luck to those who think life's fair,but bragging about it's stagnant growth and undying emptiness. It is not fair. Yet some fascinating facts might change it this way. "Life's unfair, but it will only be fair- if you think it is." You got to include some persistence and perseverance to make the tune more appealing.

Now, I am gearing up to make something good and worthy for myself. I am gearing up to help myself and those kids back in Davao City for their school supplies. I am gearing up to see their beautiful smiles. I am gearing up to work, go to the gym everyday. I am gearing up to make up to my friends, to treasure my best friend. I am gearing up to love and be loved by somebody.  Somebody I could say mine. I am gearing up to save so I can buy a dlsr camera for myself. I am gearing up to become a better person. I am gearing up to become a good friend, good listener, a good employee, a good and faithful countryman. I am gearing up to pray more, love more, laugh more and regret no more!

Because life is too short- in order to lengthen our stay on earth, let's think positive and be free. Life is awesome. Just think it is fair on your end. Do not expect too much. But be excited to move forward like a kangaroo and emu. Be  excited to meet people. Be excited to learn new things.

Be grateful- cause life is more fun when we understand its meaning..

"Hint hint hint" If we hear these- It only means that we have to take note everything that our trainer had said. Literally everything! On my previous post I had mention that I have gotten the job I  wanted. So this week, it was hard to imagine all the things that we had been through to pass the test. Defend your report- study your notes and answer the whole lotsa questions flooding. It was a nerve-wracking yet fun enculturation.

As what I have said, it was a nerve-wracking yet  fun training. And thanks God we all passed. As per elder quotable quotes " We've crossed the tiniest hole on earth." And succeeded!

I was so vacant the whole two months. Everything's tight. So I am so happy that I got to be hired by this company, aside from its day job account, the compensation is at par. Though, some aren't satisfied by it but for me I am good to go. "Ika nga, learn to be satisfied- so the blessings will overflow." I am happy that I have a new job now, and eying for a promotion maybe after half a year of working there.

For next week, it is our product training, induction and a lot more. I feel ecstatic at thesame time scared.Our trainer gave us the quick head's up about it, and it's going to be hard/ fun. For now, I am enjoying and thinking that I can pass the whole three massive hard, lack of sleep three weeks of training then- have my first salary. Yay! I have been jotting down all the things I wanted to buy when that payout arrives. I am just so enigmatic and feeling so cool. Thanks God for this job!

My title is just so over the top. I am trying to compose myself and letting my emotion to stay secure and calm. I feel so ecstatic on how my life runs smoothly, not that there were no trials, there are so many challenges, hence it helped me to conclude that "I'm a fighter."

Truly images in the past just gives us something to ponder, those experiences that we had, the past that helped us and made us who we are today. In a beauty pageantry, the question like this changing the past somehow stirred up the chances of getting the coveted crown. Those who are honest to not to alter anything from the past because it made them who they are today is just a flop. Why? Judges wants them to put some flowering words on it. I consider myself as a contestant on a beauty pageant. If i would be asked same question, I neither would change anything in my past, because it just gave me so much of lessons to learn.

Those experiences that helped me to achieved the dreams that I wanted. Those moments were trials was just so hard to bear. I feel like am just an outcome of life's abnormality. It was so hard to look back, to tiring when the images kept on flashing. The times where you are turn between life and death. The life of Spartacus somehow depicts mine, though his life experience is scripted, still the plot is a bit similar. He's battling for his life, love ones and his dreams.

From rags to working on of becoming a rich person. Hahahaha. Not just in money, but in all aspects of life. Gauging back on every years that had passed, and how I slowly gained experiences and maturity in a process is just recommendable.  I  am a full grown man, some says a full grown boy. But I am a man now. Sieging life's wonderful opportunities.

Because one day soon, I'm gonna make sense.  Thanks God for my life. I am just so- loving it!

I have seen death face to face. I have found his weaknesses and that is what I am going to tell you on this post.

It was a cold evening, people are sleeping, the whole world is in silence. The only sound I hear is fringing of the grass- are they moving? Widely awake, keenly observing to the movement of the night. How does it feel when I am outside sleeping, and the dripping coldness of it is drenching my body. I supposed it is hard. But I adore those fighter who traveled so far, journeying the night, battling the day to survive.

How are they going to survive for so long?  I am here peeking on this window, the only sound that  drools my hearing prowess is the chirping melody of this night. Though I am catching my breath but I know I am alive. I wish I can go back to the past I had. Fixed it and go straightly. Wait, am I regretting things now? I hope I am not. To regret is a big sin for me. But I am blaming myself.

I can still remember the days I slept with different people every night. Letting them be a one day partner project. If other has 365 days of project, but they slip and forget to do it in a day- I myself is different. I never missed a day without meeting someone. Be it in his house, hotel/motel or anywhere. That was a fun project for me. I'd call it a fun project cause I enjoyed myself. But that was the past.

I am living a whole different life now. I faced death like my best buddies. He yelled at me, scares me, snarling- but I am used to it. Who the hell care of my existence? No one. So I'd better get closer to the thing where I would land myself soon but I pray not too soon. Am I insane thinking of death? I am not. I just realized that we all are going to die, so I better get closer to it and let myself enjoy the life I have. It is a perspective that I came up recently. Maybe due to my friend's  sudden demise, and my refusal to attend of my grand mother's burial. They forced me, but I had made up my mind not to see their cadaver. I mean not that I am hypocrite, but I don't feel like nagging about their demise.

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I was awaken by a terrible dream- a headless woman walking beside me.I am  gasping for the  air,  and while catching my breath I look for my phone and checked what time is it. It was 3 am, the blankness of the room seems talking to me. The sound of the night, its lilting, its voice is a wonderful tune to my ear. Luckily my heart' beats calmly at this time.

The memory of the lady who died morbidly was the last picture I saw when I closed my eyes. So i presumed that  led me into a terrible hallucination. It was the worst case I could say. In my entire stint in the office, it was the first time  that I saw a grotesque picture of a woman who died in a ruthless way. Disfigured face, the joint to joint cutting of her body, the one who did it was an expert in the medical field. Both legs and arms as well as the head had been found in a damp site, and it was found with a festive flies munching it. Perfectly done as the cops said. No traces of any evidence that could be used as a weapon to solve the mystery.

What led me into curiosity is her missing body. The cutting was perfect. It seems that a person who did this  was as best the any surgeon or any doctors who handle cases such as in a  surgical procedure. What are they going to do with the body then? Sell?

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A REPOST

Who wants to live forever young?

I do. I want to. To see the glimpse of the earth, its amazing involvement to my life. The beauty of life. Who wants to live wonderfully? I do, I want to.


I feel so depress and hurt when the word death becomes the last name of life. When the ending comes, it is always been a hurting time, and to recuperate would never come nor happened easily. If I only have the superpower to go back, the time machine that would brought me back to where I stumble and fall. Things that i thought would brought me happiness. I would definitely do it. But no I can't.


But now is the time to tell you, now is the time to make myself free from letting you unbound from the truth.

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Life is mysterious on its own way, the going that we go through in life is unpredictable, there are times that we say "I guess it's time to quit and back off" but the spirit of survival and perseverance enlightened your mind to go on and continue. You had spent half of your life mourning and doing nonsensical stuff. Now is the time to move on.

Deprivation is a common dilemma of most people in the world. We tend to stop ourselves from doing something it is because we are afraid we might screw things up and fail. Instead we stuck ourselves and be a slave of something unworthy, something that gives you pain and frustration. Now is the time to move on.

You missed a lot of happenings that you supposed to witnessed, you missed the chance of learning better things to make you more mature and high spirited being. What's with the struggle? What's with the pain and fear? Now is the time to move on.


You have suffered too much in life and yet you get used to it. You never find any solution to alter the predicament that you are in now. You have become more vulnerable, insecure, conscious, irrelevant, boring and most of all you have lost your love and passion for the art. How long will you play antagonist to your own life? How long will you close your eyes from the light, from love. Now is the time to move on.

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As everyone else brag about how gross love for them, how impulsive it became and how love ruined their lives- yet there are those who wished that one day LOVE will to their way. If  falling in-love is something that everyone of us wishes to have one day, dreaming of being loved and to love like we have never been hurt before. To make  the world a better place to live in. It would be the most awesome thing to do!

But sometimes love can brought us into different arena the so-called battle. To fight for someone you love, to sacrifice everything for love.The  essence of love is to give and receive happiness, it gives cadence to the music, letting  the flower bloom on its fullness, wipe and took away pain and pour out life- because  love produces life.


But then again why there are pain? Why there are trouble? Why is that there are broken-hearts?

Love can be so boring, love can be grotesque and self centered but always remember it is not love, it is self imposed. Because true love never hurt, never grow tired and weary, it never become selfish nor greedy. It envy no one. Love knows no boundaries and distance. It paves the way of reaching out and making the impossibility to be possible. It is graspable. Love is sent from up above..

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I am quite afraid to share stories of my personal life, it is like a showbiz writers who love to write about other celebs yet they are afraid and keen on protecting their personal life and family. But sometimes I have to share some tidbits of it, nothings going to happened wrong if I may do it.

I keep it to myself not to share my family background. I lied to most of the people if they would asked me about my family. Well, you can't blame me for that. My family aren't celebrity or somebody who has high profile status, but as for me I don't feel like reiterating this and that.

Admittedly, I love my father half way empty. Yes, you heard it right, maybe the hatred is eating me whole. I can't take it abruptly, and just forget what he had done to my mother and my sisters and so to speak to me. Somewhat he had caused us pain and misfortune. His deeds that brought us into suffering, his negligence and laziness  caused us starvation. And his vehemence caused us to put a grudge on our heart. And so the hatred  flared up.

Growing up as a person and dealing with different personalities, I have seen myself striving to overcome  the fear of rejection, resisting on negative thoughts and on how to control my emotions towards others. I felt that some people are trying to get rid of me, I can't blame them cause I know for a fact that I have this tickly attitude. I reacted on things badly. Sometimes, I screwed up with little things that if only I  did think twice before doing such I may found solution that would pave the way of letting the morbid stuff  from happening.

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It feels like the a 30 days played  dynamically fast. Fooling our eyes with its routine each day, then  wondered and  murmured how the days run so fast. And now we are hitting the end point of 2011, sixty more days to come and we will be celebrating Yuletide season.

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