I am not faking anything, nor making someone believed that I have this and I have that. It's a taunting task to do so anyway- and pretentiously it didn't got into my nerve to do it. As much as possible I wanted to be just the person who is real and not the "fuck-up lad" trying to give everyone a sweet caress of  fakeness.

For the past 3 weeks of living with people who are positive of HIV/AIDS I gotta say it changes me. With a different personalities to matched up. My daily hiatus to make, battling it out as they are gearing up to survive and make their life once again gaudy. I am dealing with so many different personalities, their stories and their struggles in life.

All wanting to be heard. Wanting to just at least give me something to ponder, something to write down in here.  As a blogger who is learning about life, kicking every barrier that hinders me from moving and taking impossibilities as if I am the toughest one.

Their stories pinged me inside. There are "disowned" labels, the "nawalan ng mana" and the "balik-alindog project" every night. I have seen them acing everyday struggles, their strength to outwit it is such a thing to reckoned with. I am lucky enough to share my time with them. And giving me a new hope and putting my hope in God is the most important.

"I have seen death" someone said. "But the death denied me." This is such a strong phrase I have conjured. A phrase that somehow changes my perspective in life. In my mind, let us not fear death, instead let the death fears us.

With this amazing lesson I have learned. I will be living life in a different perspective.

Tim

It is swiftly 11:38 when I got into this cafe, a handful of guys playing dota some are shirtless, kinky and well given they're noisy. The reason why I came out this past hour is to scribble down everything that transpired on the past seven days of my 2013, it wasn't surreal nor interesting to ponder but definitely I need to break the ice in order to create a positive mindset- a new view point to focus on.

Idealism somewhat describes moi. Being tough and true to what my predicament is right now. I have great plans and great vision for myself. My family, a new job and my goal to launch my fashion blog on the coming months- all these have been my blab to mouth these days. Post-its and other types of recording it in order for me not to forget any of those, it is surreal to dream, like me who is fighting the world the alone, battling for an instance to exist.

My previous post have the details of my hiatus on fighting boils. But thanks God, I have had overcame it just this afternoon. The agony of the swells and the toughness to sleep at night was pretty scary. I've lost some few pounds as well. I'm sad- but I will definitely bounce back and will hit the gym as soon as my current situation's will be solved. It's a "balik alindog project" and I meant it!

My mind is in condition to let go. To forgive and forget since it's a start of a new year, I have to learn to consider  that there are other people who couldn't really grasp and understand the way we perceived it. Might be to us, it could have been therapeutic to share- to loosen up at times, be heard, but to the person who have a low level of understanding might be drastic to be taken. But it's fine. My life would suck with out 'em.

For now, the basic unit of my life is my faith in God and the beauty of my dreams. I have to live just the way I wanted my life to be.

To not to worry, be happy, feel good.

1:02
Today, I am bracing myself. Today I am cinching the belt, I am removing the self-respect. I am taking my chances on this unknown. Glancing on to faces-odd and new. Convincing my inner self  I am fine. I am okay.

Convincing that in life options such as this would somewhat  teach me to be brave. It would somehow gives me  courage to pursue my dreams, to strive hard for it. To put it into reality. But now my nerves are shaking, the brain neurons are simply producing abnormal hormones.

Why on earth did I come up with such a dire choice? Believing, I can do more than this. I can do more than what is possible to bear in mind. But I am sorry, I have assured myself, convinced and have  conjured  that doing this tonight is the only way to survive. This is the clashing of fear and self-respect- the war of pride and need. As much as I wanted to prolong the mindset of " everything will just fall into place" I could not contained myself anymore. The pressure is hunting me.

I could no longer take the agony of my daily hiatus. It is suffocating.

My fear is forcefully wrapping me, it chills me to the bone. All these years, I have been so strong on protecting the one and the only treasure I have- my self-respect. Living decently, and clinging onto this vow was an agreement even before my parents passed away. It was a strong verbal advice, "to live decently."

But on the direst times like this, bracing myself and fastening my seat-belt are the only few things I can do to protect my demureness. My mind is in deep tremor. Would I suck myself  "just" to get something? Or would I go home with my "self-respect" intact?

But I have come up with a decision, I am taking my chance- and I would not change it anymore. For tonight the buzzes of cars and deafening sound of howling old jeepneys and buses as well as their spins are the only cheering melody echoing inside my head. The flickering lights and the noise of EDSA somewhat protecting me, as if the norm's of being human living decently is still afloat. Just as you thought.

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