Cedar Grove, Howell County and more of Jersey places to memorized. Wait, what are we talking about here? Aren't you working on some art projects? As practicality and needs come into play, I couldn't deny the fact that it has come to point where dreams needs to standby and just parked for a while til I have the nerve to conjure the thoughts of touching it again. It shouldn't be hard, adaptability is key. What can I say?

So to be fair and exact, I am working on a graveyard shift to ends meet. For a while, I was just nagging at my foster mom for some comfort and inspiration to lift myself up and just lets me realize how beautiful life is, still. Easy-going and fluidity is key. Damn it. However, I am here right now conjuring this draft on this desk full of rickety monologues trying to at least learn everything from CRM's of my new boss and the likes. But that's life right? We all start at one point. We all begin at some stage where life seems uncertain and unfair. Be it in the kind of my state or whatnot. Be sure to check me out next time, this post might be updated for some reason- an ambivalence mood.

Back at my desktop and figuring out everything all at once to make my boss feel lighter on her shoulder's load, regardless of my graveyard shift. I mean, we all have to make an impression to our bosses, not to sound like I am politically shitting out others but that's the way it is. You help your boss at some tasks to make her work-life balance seems graspable. I see that.

New people. Same-same tasks with new things to learn. Oh New Jersey, it may not be as the Jersey Shore show at once before, but it could also work that way. Trying to figure out the city and its neighborhoods. I can do that. Let's just work the heck up and make the brain sharper than it was, as to not feel stagnant nor jobless. Crazy. Let's hit the bandwagon with our dreams soon, just be adept with the current state- memorizing Jersey neighborhoods and recruiting people all at once.
 Have a blast, cause it's game time! I mean work.

It's almost three weeks since I moved back to Manila from Davao. It seems like my emotional depreciation about goodbye has slowly faded away. I know, I know, Davao is home and it will always be my home. I am just so happy that I have a home to go back into everytime I feel like going home. I missed you my hometown. Yet, life has to move forward and to try finding my luck once again in a big city is all I wanted to do right now-before it's too late.

What is there to settle in one place when you can traverse the whole world with the adventure in mind. As what my friend Love says, Davao will always be there waiting for me and I can always go back if I want to. Which is right. Soon enough my love.
I maybe thriving in a different city but my heart will always be in Davao, I do know that its serenity and simple life has gotten me hooked. It is after all the most beautiful and the most peaceful-loving city in the Philippines.

However, I have dreams. I have plans to achieve and things that I'd like to do in Manila or New York. Crossing fingers!
Fast forward to today, my adjustment period has been a little easy. I am no longer a cry baby trying to re-compose himself from sobbing, cause after all I'm faraway from my usual mundane and the normal things I do as a local of Davao. Nothing beats its glory to be honest, so I hope you would understand that I still feel lonely and sometimes cry and just wanting to go home. I know I can do it! Hang in there love,I'll see you one day and I shall rekindle my romance with you again.

Today, I woke up with  an ambivalent feeling. I am uncertain about my dreams and goals. I am uncertain of the things that I'd like to do. Evidently, I have never updated this blog for the longest time, well just now. And here are the reasons why:

I sometimes questions life. I reckoned, I'd curse life, I'd throw curses like I'm a mad dog. But that wasn't the case, sometimes I grudgingly take life so serious that when I fail, I blamed it to the heavens. Which on the other hand, unfair.

I wish I could turned back times, I could wipe away the tears of those I've hurt and those whom I have break their hearts to pieces. My mom, my exes, my ex- friends and those along the way, had become an excuse to banter. But the case is closed, they've moved on and so am I.

Let all my errors be a mirror now, at this present life. I know I was a prince when I committed all these. All those things have passed. So let the rivers take it to the deep waters and forget that it all existed at some point in my past life. What matters now is, I am happy, alive and fully well.

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"

I felt it, I know it is hard to train and just lose a game without fighting hard and you
yourself knew you could pull off  and play more. Say fight! But the ball is round, it is  mainly not your time. But hey, hear me! You are the Queen, you know losing a battle is fine- but to win the war it takes a lot of works, struggles and determination to achieved it. It would never be a walk in the park, you know this. Human as we are, we can be beaten down. And it just happened today. On the other hand, You should be happy because it happened today, not in the finals or semi-finals. There are a lot to work on, I know. Which you can basically hasten it, perfect it. You can do it!

Losing twice isn't good. I was frustrated while watching the game. I know the team can do more, can deliver goods way beyond our expectations. While watching, I saw your frustrations, your nerves had gotten into you. The Queen is nervous. Which I panicked. The Queen should composed herself back, the Queen should stay calm and lead the squad. (Rolling eyes now)

The Queen must fight back. The signature spikes must be done. The drop-balls must be done. With my desperation, I was curing already. Slamming the table with my fist. Ugh, if only I could do something, but yes I could only watched you beaten in 4 sets. Sad. I punished myself, I went to the gym and just released that tension. It is just a bad day. It WAS.

My Lady, you have done so much for Volleyball to be this famous now. You brought stars to dream and to fight for their dreams to play in UAAP or NCAA. With this alone? You're a true winner. Regardless, if you win this season or not. You have opened so many doors for other afficionados to dream big. Young ones to start training! You are the true Queen. You have a bright future ahead of you! Beat that doubters and detractors. Those haters too, they're not worth it anyway.


Believe, Stay Focus and Play Happy. I want to take you back to the season 76 wherein you beat NU in the most spectacular manner. Two towers? Done. It was an uphill climbed,you even beat La Salle,and  you've proven everyone that you can do it- and damn you won the championship for the first time for the school. The Queen was crowned! Hail to the Queen! From then on, nothing has changed. You will always be the Queen! Bear that in mind.

You might be beaten down now, but a true  fighter never give up. Because a fighter knows he/she can always get back up and train harder. I never doubted your capabilities, your skills are way above everyone. What I want you to do? Get yourself back up, this are just humps to better you and the team.

There's no uphill climb if your heart remains strong. There are no obstacles that can hinder a Queen, if she's determined! I know you are! So fight! Show them your prowess. You are the  MVP of the people. Mark that!

Always remember this: A team who play happy will surely win. You've seen it, La Salle and UP played happy and they won. My point is: Play HAPPIER. Put that Happiness inside the heart, wear it everyday. Strength and Skills are innate. But composure is hard to obtain. Because it takes a lot of adversities for the person to have it. Believe and have faith.

We love you. We all do. Fight back! Remember, you are the Queen! And the Queen shall reign majestic.

#FIGHTBACK #PLAYHAPPIER

Crashed that! Oh hey, it's been a while since I fucked the blogosphere. All the while, I glanced at this blog and say nothin'. I go black out all the time. Losing the appetite to write and conjure thoughts.Though I've had a lot of things to say, or wanting to say it's just that I didn't have the courage to start drafting.

I've tried conjuring thoughts, drafting but it didn't go fruition. I don't know. I know I lacked inspiration these days. I've bummed out too much. Fucked out so much.

Traveled back to my city, got drunk. Found some newe friends and then now I'm back in Manila. Oh yeah, there are a lot of things really that had happened. So many things that I couldn't relay all right now. Uaap had started already, so it means my excitement everyday will be multiplied.

I think I'm a sex maniac too. Gosh, I've been thinking about dicks lately. Some inhumane sex escapades. I guess I'm normal, there's normality in sex anyway? Well I don't know. As long as I am not as hooked as fuck, then I guess I am normal. Let see how it goes.

I've started styling as well, I mean I'm back at it. I styled some gigs and hoping it'll go smoothly. I am crossing my fingers too. Damn this fashion dream, it keeps me awake at night. Ideas are fuming. Such a life eh?

Oh I just removed my friend from the friend's list on FB. I think her condescending approach towards my life is quite different already. We argued towards differences that We bothe know we cannot really changed. She has become more objective on her beliefs and faith. The bible, her own ways about God. I didn't hesitated removing her from my list. She wont be someone that I would hang and dwell with.

I gotta move on. Anyway, enough for now. I need some fuck!

Take me back to the time where Abraham Lincoln still hunts vampire and slayed 'em, bring me back to the time where fairy-tales were of great stories to listened to, and make me wide eyed looking at the window imagining things and somewhat hallucinating for a fact that all these are impossible.

May the music takes me to the time where impossibilities could work. Oh the Jesus time, where miracles were allover the place and that faith was intact. Could've been a great journey.

May the lilting manner of a composed man be "casted" on me. So to learn to be brave and confident would never be an issue anymore. 

May life brought back the astonishing stories of achievements of people who have passed away but their legacy have remained a symbol of hope, a beacon of fire to glanced at every time we fail. 

Let life allows us to progress on our own, merited by our own struggles and awarded by our own diligence to live a life  we all dreamed of living. It could be hard sometimes, but we aligned with what the universe conspired for us. 

Grow and outgrow the pain, the fear and the grudge. Be a man that is strong, that is faithful, that is eager to help without any return. Be a man that is full of love and passion. 

Be a man that you wanted to be and not what the society dictates you to be. 

(some works I've done on 2015)

In two days time 2015 will be off the radar. Yet a new year will come, another 365 days of living. Some odyssey may take us somewhere new and some may console to the old kind of life that we are used to. It is encompassing to recognize how fast the time and days fly. It could be like a gush of the wind, from the moment that you closed your eyes to the moment that you opened it- it's another day and another journey. Same shits, but with a different variations.

In all aspect 2015 is quite a good year for the country, optimistically. I would sound hypocrite if I wont acknowledge the fact that we have gone through so much this year. Numerous  typhoon, government corruptions, the SAF massacre and all those nerve wracking incidents that  molded this country into either a tough one to beat or the one who have lost its faith to humanity.

On a positive note to myself: I am incredibly grateful for the growth as a person, there were so many ups and downs. Things that were eventual, things that were unplanned and all the nitty gritty a man could learned on his mid 20's.  I couldn't be grateful enough with the growth of my career and to be part of fashion once again. To get in there easily and be part of it is just the best feeling of all.

When you've realized your worth and what you can do and how much skills and talent you have is such a great thing to consider. In addition, to know the people that you have admired and dressed them up is already a plus.

This year I was given a chance to style big celebrities through my boss who is equally great in the field of styling. The experiences were all worth it. To see Sarah G. first hand and to help her dressed up is not easy as one, two, three. To crashed with Angeline Q's insanity is amazing- this lady can sing and can eat a lot. Of course, I couldn't forget meeting Martin Nievera and Garry V. These two giants in showbiz taught me a lot of lessons in honing your talents. (they're mainly a pro, yet they always have time to rehearsed and practice) the bonus was to helped them be "dappered up" for ASAP.

This year I got a chance to meet and personally styled Piolo Pascual for a short period of time on his upcoming television series that will come out soonest. I know, every girls would envy. Not just that, to work with Toni G. and Sam Milby and learned something from them, their diligence on their call time is incredible. They are mainly the hard working horse!

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The gush of air, skips the beating heart, he doesn't care nor the world.He doesn't even know what country or place he's in today. He's been too so many places, but this one is a bit mysterious and all new to him.

He's so wet, while  wallowing all the memories on what happened last night. He could only remember the sudden thug of light, and he lost his memory after it. He got up on his feet and started walking.

There are so many things going through his mind, his mom's illness, his rent in a bed space room he shared with 2 other people and the end date of his contract in it. "Where on earth would I scoured that 10,000 pesos". Squinting his eyes, he tried to shag away the thought. "I don't want stress today."

He is mostly alone, he can live by himself, do everything by himself. He got used to this routine, since setting foot in a big city back in the south 10 years ago, he was barely 16 then. All his innocence back in the day was pure.

When he looks back at it, he would just smile. Now, he is old enough, has dreams and goals. Yet still broke. Not to mention, he is mean sometimes and highly emotional. He is kind too. He's loving and most of all he love art and goes to the gym to maintain his physique. Quite a smarty-pants too- well more of a street smart person.

His dream is to make it somewhere far, somewhere big. That ilusions are made real, that dreams come true. That even the impossible things can happened. He promised it to himself, he will work on it and strive hard to make it happened.

"Hey now, hey now,don't dream- it's over."- the lilting words coming out from the radio. The words struck, the words has a tingling sensation in the ears. There's the liberation that he wants, freedom that he wants. And he doesn't know where to find them.

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Much to be thankful for and much to be regretted. Much to appreciate and much to feel disdain. At 25, you have live a life full of ups and downs.

To the 25 year old me, how long will you endure the pain and how long will you be optimistic? Will you stay optimistic?

To the 25 year old me, fragile and full of havoc, to ease is to have peace. To the 25 year old me, finding your dream is not like buying a fast food. Dreams are prepared in a long amount of time. Patience.

Me and Bill will always have that unorthodox kind of relationship, I mean we started out 2 years ago. When I went back to Davao City. He lives in the America, at some point, it didn't occur to me that we would actually hit the bandwagon. But we did.

Then there were times where we would banter at each other, esp. me, I would banter at him, being so rude. As young as 24, I thought I would lose him and he will find another. Well according to him, he did found one, but yeah as per him. haha. And then there were times where we don't talk, like a month or two but then again here comes the "missing" point, where blatantly I would send him bulk of emails. I would always tell him my dreams, my future plans and everything that I wanted to do in life. He would just be there, responding to my email and telling me, encouraging me to go move and be free.

He has his tantrums too, his desperation. His anxiety and complains about his job, the people and anything that hurdle him that day.  As an optimistic being, I always console him. I told him thesame as the ones he's telling me. And then life moves on.

I guess life had let us meet, let us rant and banter on each other. But at the end of the day, we settle on what's best for us. On what we truly are- HAPPY INSIDE. We just need to push, keep moving and be the better version of ourselves everyday.

OMG! An expression that effin' up all my struggles! I just had my glossy mag layout, and it's under me! I couldn't be happier to rave about it and just enjoy the moment. To continue celebrate it and do more for the love of fashion, taking a bite in it is just awesome.

I am thankful to be part of this, the journey is worth fighting for the second time around. It just feels really great to see my name written on that glossy magazine. It's an amazing fulfillment to be part of the creative team who put everything together and made it happened.

These are some of the things I've done lately. From commercial to print to celebrity styling under my new boss. So glad to be part of his team.

(that moment when you see your name written on this glossy mag? Just awesome! grab from Asian Dragon August issue)

(This one is from FHM)

(from google)

It's been a while since the long gone hiatus of reconciling the past and making amends to what had been a lapse that caused me to fled away and left the dream undone. But gladly, everything's all patched up now. And there's nothing more fulfilling than finding peace and serenity in life, after all, humbling yourself and admitting that Ï made a mistake and I had screw my chance way back is a good thing in finding the inner peace that I have longed for.

For all I know, there are so many things to improve within me. So many things to learn to and a lot of thoughts to ponder to grow as a better person. My way up to the top is tough enough, that at some point I thought of giving up. But a man who can't live up to the expectation to grow and to achieve something before his time is useless. As much as I want to cuddle in bed and go back to Davao, I just could not. Life is there, but money is in Manila.

I would just suck myself thoughts and remember that this journey is all about taking a bite and enjoying the life as it supposed to be enjoyed. To be happy and to strive to be the best, the better version of me.

To continue living, and to make all those dreams come true. For my mom and for my family.

(from google)

I'd like to feel that every decision I made in life are worth it, as I gauge in the maturity level that I am in right now. I just celebrated my 25th birthday yesterday, nothing new. But definitely I am eager to plan things out for a better future. Gone are the days of bumming and settling on some things that aren't beneficial at all.

I have live a life full of surprises, full of grudge and some "not-so-good"to remember stuff, yet I am grateful for all of those. It made me realize to look out for myself more, be open to possibilities and be happy.

As I look back into that awesome 25 years of my life, tears started to roll down my cheeks. Looking back on those times when finding yourself was such a hard thing to do, when peer-pressure and discrimination were all at hand. It wasn't all up easy, it was a hard fought battle, being able to be where I am now (I know not so- successful) I just couldn't be happier. At some point I am able to adjust on how to deal with everyday life, with challenges and to always remain grateful and optimistic about life. In time everything's going to make sense.

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"Reserve that heart Tim."   Just a thought, that somehow I could reserve myself for someone out there, that I truly deserved. It may be like hitting the haywire but I know it will come. It is always good to hope for something positive to happen rather than hitting the bandwagon all at the same time without even thinking twice.

So now I am reserving my heart. I am reserving my love for someone I truly deserved.

I am not invisible, there's so much to be grateful about life, its stories and its tricks and turns. My weakness defines me that I am  human, I  cry in foul, I celebrate on my achievements and lucks. I am human as I made mistakes, I am not perfect and I will never be.

I love my life and everything that surrounds it. Everything that makes me perfectly imperfect. I have been to the loneliest place to wilderness, being sad and depress, endless tremor of fear, yet I choose to let go, to live and leave all my cares to the heavens heaven.

A far cry from all these struggles, pain and hurdles. I am better and I am strong.

I will win the battle. Because all this pain, it'll be invisible.

Throwback to the years (2008-2009)where this song came out and where my innocence was at its peak, where discoveries are tantamount to being ignorant, indolence towards things. Where insecurities were the focal point for being young and naive. Disdainful and bragging.

Life back then was all about discoveries, from within myself and to the world. As I was scouring the whole place to fit in, pushing myself on learning the basics of being gay and the hardest part of overcoming the awkwardness that I had. It was indeed a battle of composure. As others felt good about themselves, had this and that, I found myself in misery. A total mess, out of that innocent face lies a dream, a dream to make it in life, to be real and to be able to discover my strengths as an individual.

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This picture speaks a thousand words.

The LGBT community was ecstatic upon seeing this photo. Everyone was raving about this couple- sweet and bold as most of us tagged it.

Sweet enough that it depicted the kind of relationship most us wanted to have, to be able to do things that we love, show to people that we can do anything in the name of love. True enough that this is a symbol of sweetness at its heights. I couldn't agree more.

Bold that made everyone raved, made everyone wonder and made everyone wants to have that kind of relationship. The picture didn't just show us boldness, it also shows happiness and that everyone no matter what gender you belong you have the RIGHT to show your emotions, your affection towards the person you love.

I am not certain if this couple is for real or just another bold statement for equality rights. Regardless, it drooled us to hope and to fight for our feelings. It gives us the notion that it could happened to those who seeks for love, and that LGBT community can be sweet by showing off their affection in public and can be bold by standing up for what we believe is fair and right for us.

May God bless their relationship!

My heart beats so fast, my trembling voice couldn't utter words clearly. It was fast, it was shocking and even maddening to know what happened. Gasping for air as I loose balance on my sit. I lost grip upon reading the comments, while my eyes are running down the stream of comments and condolences.

Wait! what happened?

Gazing on the RIP and words of condolences made me shut off. I was hesitant at first, I was trying to decipher a joke that may be going on in this post. I was trying to figured out that it could've been just a piece of insanity as we humans like doing it. I scrolled down through messages and comments, the responses between friends and those who know him virtually. One thing that was in unison: Chuck is dead.

I faltered into my knees.Tears flew. My nerves were shaking. The news was just effin' terrible. I couldn't believed it. It's absurd, it is to much to bear. I was asking a lot of information, a lot of questions then started to sank in. Why? What happened? What's the cause of his death?

Again I went through all those comments and saw his immediate family and his best friend Alex. I hurriedly sent them a message. And the response was terrible. He died because of steroids, an overdose of it that lead to Cardiac Arrest. And so then the tremor of losing a friend kicked in. Questions have been answered, and the only thing that is hard to accept was- Chuck is gone. Chuck is dead.

"I have lost a good friend and that is you Chuck. An inspiration in life, a bad ass yet so cool and vulnerable. You're always this visionary in life. When you love, you give it your all. When you make friend, it's genuine. It is so surreal to find such a combination in someone. Yet you've got it man. It's just sad that you've left us undone and too soon man, too soon. If only I had the time to tell you about steroids and its bad effects to our health, and if only I did motivated you in using Whey protein instead. Or may have told you to just go natural.

It's pretty clear now, it is clear that you're gone. That we have lost you and the only thing that we have right now is the memories of your insanities, your coolness and those words of inspirations in life. Dude, you're the man for that. I wanted to hug you, I wanted to let you know that You're my kuya. Well, I know you know this from the very beginning since we crossed out path in social media. You're awesome- but that awesomeness is gone, that "kalbo lad full of swag" is gone. I wanted you to know that everyone is in shock. Everyone is in disbelief. But what can we do? Death is imminent, but let me assure you- your kindness and the joy you brought to us will remained forever in our hearts. We love you Chuck. Til we meet again."

Timmy