It has been a while since losing my grip and trying to spoil my life once more. I know it is delusional to say I have fuck it up again. Well, to be honest I did.

I woke up late this day, with a heavy heart and a clouded mind. I was not use to be having this, but the long gone exposure from drugs, sex and wilderness just steamed up the gravity of it all. As much as I wanna speed up my recovery from the insanity  that I am in today, it feels suffocating already. I went straight to the bathroom and have some hot shower to hope that it would eases the mental clouding.

The cinching and grinding of my teeth startled me. I am damn scared I might have a locked jaw problem soonest, or worst would be a deformed face. It is dubious to think all of those, but i am definitely sure it may happened.

Aside from not going to the job for almost two weeks now, I am as well pressured on earning some for my rent and for my daily needs. In as much, I find it ridiculous to start over again- then the mental cloudedness struck. What on earth have I done to myself? And what the hell do I need to do to stop the hallucinations I have inside. This must stop, or else I am going to die.

A well fucked up life, perhaps. A beautiful fucked up life. It is pretty dramatic, I'm aghast to change my life, my routine and my story.

Some nights where I wish I am walking on the streets of New York, wearing a beautiful suit, with a leather bag on my hand. And some nights where I wanted to  shun myself away from the tremor of my past, the darkest times and those grotesque scenes from the movie Saw.

"Have Peace" someone said. But the more I look for it, the more it shuns' away. Where would I find it?  Is it in Argentina? or in Estonia?

This is getting crappier already. I have doze off, I need some clear mindset and a good platform of perspective. This is a fucked up yet amazing life I have. I would never barter it with anything and to anyone in this world. Cause this is my sweet chaotic life.

I wanted to write something, a topic that tackles love stories and its success. Those impossibilities and how love aced it- huge or small. Love conquers all.

I got up so early, my eyes are still  chilly, feeling the cold dawn. I wanted to recede from going to the toilet but my dick's really hard and the water's wanting to flushed out. On this times, I am feeling icky. I gingerly made my way to the bathroom to splash it out. As much as I want to come back to bed and sleep, my mind's crawling up and scanning the thoughts that had transpired between us.

It startles me, this is insane. I wanted to start this day with a positive mindset. We are over, and I guess we ain't having any plans to rekindle our past, so I have to live with it. Unbearably I guess colliding to that thought will just hurt the heck out of me. It's a slap of truth maybe. What else can I do and say? You were the one who gave in and crap me off the hook.

It just started when you let me visit you, cooked me food and suck my dick. The mere fact that you are not the certain kind of guy that I want to hook up with, or maybe at that time I was just really horny but now everything is different. I like you! You sweet adobo and the pine juice you made, ugh awesome!

Heck, let me say, I stayed in Davao City and for my 2 months of staying here, you were the 3rd one that I'd hooked up with.  I am not flirt, I told you. I have been carrying this all these days. I am- I guess hooked.

Okay, I like you Harry. But you don't.

fiction

Sitting, facing the monitor. It is a busy and such a hectic day for you a thought that enveloped your mind. Bag that is full of papers, reports and things to do, worst is you needed to finish it today. Looking so cramming and preoccupied yet you still find the time to wave your right hand to your friend along the street. And a little hello's transpired.

The train is full of passengers and cramming up to go to their offices, you've hated the idea of inserting yourself in the midst of this crowd to ride, you want somehow to be at ease and relax while riding and not fitting in like a sardinas in a can. But you don't have a choice, instead of waiting for another train you opted to ride in and so to speak you ain't got a choice but to insert. Some people were complaining about the tightness of the train, seats are occupied by people who poker faced, staring at nothing.

The thought inside your mind keeps on flashing back and forth. You've tried to skip a beat to blanch it out but the more you pushed yourself to forget it, the more boggling it would become. "I won't give up."The only thought that was conjured inside your mind. You were trying to shift your attention on a busy street in Central station, thought of how crowded Qiuapo is, encapsulated by frustration, you didn't noticed that you needed to go down on the second train stop, if not because of a message tone.

Sleepy and grumpy, you raced yourself with lots of people wanting to insert their  magnetic card just to get out first. Hurriedly, you found it hard to insert it. And people at your back were ranting, composing yourself you tried it again and this time it got through. Slightly mediocre to think of - but no one else would  be great if they never experienced such dumbness as you have experienced a blinked ago. Smirking, the thought came out of your mind on people's reactions whilst you weren't  able to insert your magnetic card correctly. It was a dumb idea perhaps. A cackle breaks the monotony.

You put your things on the table in a close handed gesture,  you thought of your boy friend's unfaithfulness last night. Caught him on the  act of fucking someone was such a dire feeling to fathom. The guy that is "everything" to you  was able to do such unfaithfulness to you. Knowing that you've given him everything, food, shelter and even money.  Tears were falling  unstoppably. You've raised your hand to reach for a tissue when your nose suddenly bubbled up. You've bow down your head and reach for the tissue as if your workmates didn't see the that.

What a day to start huh?