(google images)

                                                   "Forever is composed of nows"


Nowadays most gay-guys would drool over looks rather than knowing the person before gutting out in bed. Merely, it is too impossible to find that person who doesn't just adore you but will love you faithfully. Nowadays it is by sheer chance to find someone who  will accept all your flaws and will accept you the way you are and the way you see the world.

He  may not be forcing you to change, instead he will let you just be yourself. Now I'm talking figuratively.    Realizing how hard it is  to battle it out in the society where social media is an indispensable tool in finding hook up, quick meet ups and the likes. It is by chance to land in someone's arm without  knowing what is Grindr, Planet Romeo, Scruff and other social sites.

I admit that I'd met a handful of guys on these site, I am not clean enough to say I haven't dated anyone who happened to not  know all of these. My point is: "it is easy to meet and fuck and it is easy to dispose as well." This is the given fact that we gay-guys know. There are so many hopefuls out there, so many people who wants to love and be loved. So many gays gutting it out to find someone, their forever- and yet their behavior towards dating is somewhat shallow. Is it because we can easily find someone if we get dump? Is it because by just showing our flesh online we could easily get a hook up? Sadly, it's a big yes.

I adore how my uncle taught me about forever, how he told me to take a chance out there but to remain principled about love and relationship. At some point it helped me think to always reserved myself for someone who will definitely love me. I am not trying to be mellow-dramatic, but I  just believe that there is someone out there for me. And that principle cannot be taken away from me. It is better to hope, than to have never hoped at all.

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I was fighting for the tears not to fall, as the promised love had taken its toll on me. I am quite sure that this is the end, I have not asked for it. I have not wanted it. But with all the lies and pains I have to bear- I think it is good for us to separate ways.

We've spent out time reading emails, we've spent our days appreciating and letting each other know how much we value, how much love and care for each other. But I would have wanted it real. The real that is visible, that is invincible and not a cyber web promise. Not even a voice to utter it.
 It's almost a year, almost a year full of promises, these and that. I am grateful, I will always be.

But everything seems not to be working out. Maybe I am too aghast for support, I am too needy to fall in-love, in returned you felt like you are being abused. Like the way your exe's  did to you. But it ain't at all. I always value, I always made sure that every penny that is given is spent correctly and rightly. As the Lord knew.

I am always grateful for everything, everything from love, from the boxes of soap, chocolates and even the cards. Everything will always be valued and will remain as part of what we have. The emotional cry, the rants and the raves about  our plans. It's important.

I would be happy if one day, You will find someone who will love you more than I did. That will not ask for anything, that will just settle as your plain guy. Not me, I am so needy. And I always have to start over again.

I wish you all the best, I pray that whatever you maybe feeling right now will be wipe out. Life is an amazing gift, you may want to enjoy it. It's always a state of mind. Happiness is. 

Fly high and be free. Life is awesome.

Until here My Love. I am letting you go.

You can't go wrong with love, because love is right regardless of how many people may have been blaring rude stuff and definition about it. Still, love is the sweetest thing, a wonderful gift given by the heaven's heaven. 

How many times should I tell myself to slow down when it comes to love? How many times do I have to tell and convince myself that Love is such a hard thing to fathom? Million times maybe?

There are regrets written on my face now, there are unsolved and  unanswered queries that needs justification.  There are times where I would envisioned myself being cared and loved by someone. There are times that I cling on those inevitable imaginations, where I see myself  gracefully galloping- in-love. But all of those are just day-dreams, all of those are just the fruit of my heavy longing to be loved.

Oh love why are you so tough on me? I know I was too young when I had my first relationship, my first heart break and my first sex but I never blamed myself for being so indecisive and naive on making decisions. I know all of those are experimentation. On the other hand, everything is different now, I am well equipped, I am well mannered, I am well aware that I have grown a lot better than those morbid days where I brag a lot of stuff, had to fight and I had to nag to almost everyone. But those are the old days, I am a man now.

It feels suffocating already, I felt I have been tricked and I have been betrayed.  Of all the things I've wished for myself Love is one of the few that is discreetly telling me I am not deserving to be loved. Though there are people who said "My Romeo is on his way to find me. "

 What took him so long to find me?Am I that hard to be found? I have been wanting and waiting.

This confession is hard and it is very excruciating . I have been battling loneliness these days and the agony of waiting is hard. I hope in time he's going to find me.

For now, I guess I need to tighten up my belt and will remain compose to be patient. I know he's coming, I know he's going to find me and when that time comes- We will beat this world of unfaithfulness!

Whilst others are busy going out and planning for their dates with bf's. I found myself just sitting and doing my mundane sketching. In my mind I was a bit jealous the mere fact that I don't look bad myself and wondering why is it still I don't have one for myself?

Sometimes life has its own tricks and turns and maybe right now I need to be prepared for some great things to happened that includes having someone come into my life. Nourishing my mind and faith in God. At some point I couldn't just tagged myself as  loveless, I am in-love and I know I am being loved by few people. See it? I don't have any relationship just yet, but that doesn't mean I am not being love nor moi's not in-love. As you've noticed as well the few is bold and has line- it only shows few people who have love me so much, cared for me and at the same time these few people made the world go round for me.

(got it here)

I was scouring through some of my posts way back 2011, and gladly I found something that really comforted me. And here it is: Every relationship has a cycle.In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to do anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love. (Excerpt from my post tagal na to. )

This is something that I needed to be prepared both mentally and financially. LOL. Aminin, we spent when we have relationships right? But that is out of love. We do not count it as credit for the next time's meeting. Instead it is a one way of showing that we are up to make such relationship go deeper.

As for me, I am not bragging to have one asap. I wanted to enjoy my singlehood and as well as I have to focus to myself and my new job. And the best thing is that I needed to augment my faith in God and also my means in life.

Live to Love and Love to Live.. 

Tim

"I'm sorry Tim, I parteed last night." A phrase that struck me down. It wasn't so surreal to feel off and composing myself for a reason that I am inside the office but I have to, I can handle it professionally.

 But I was terribly wrong, as the phrase sank in, I slowly felt the vibration of anger trying to wrap my whole thinking, eating my thoughts alive. A re-bounce of words that I thought it wouldn't affect me professionally, yet I was siege. I was conquered by the emotion, an anger that could eat me alive if I would not hold on to the fact that I am inside the office and so this type of rant is a no-no to be entertained. Another beep, another piece of words that were running in and out my mind. The lift of angst and frustration are getting heavier.

Sir, I need to go to Quezon City for my class. Telling my boss, letting him know and feel that I need to help this kids to learn, yet deep inside it's an outrage, a blare of remorse. I wanted to explode, I wanted to say horrendous words, I wanted to rant. But it seems the heavy emotions killing me, stopping me from blaring a word.

I freezed. I lost my control, I feel off.

I do understand that I don't have the right to say and to stop you from parteeing. I know I don't have the right to tell you to partee with me exclusively. I know i don't have the guts to tell you I find you interesting and I wanted to be with you forever if the world allows. All my qualms are adoration for you, saying stuff that I seldom  blab to others. Appreciating and protecting you. Okay we both know we have 10 years gap- but I told you it doesn't matter. I told you I don't care about age and stuff.

I don't know if this pain is bearable, but I know for sure I am going to get this over.

Many times I considered myself a troublesome, a messy life of an orphan boy. Heck, it has been a while since I write something on this blog, aside from that, I guess I am losing some of my dear followers and readers. Damn! I guess the adrenaline rush to write something was fading ( my own word, I need something to lubricate my mind) but my teacher would never allowed me to used the word lubricate, I am not a car, so it is a huge dumb word to used. But hell no, Ms. Ilagan, I am no longer your student, I have aced your disastrous yet enjoyable class. It was fun being with teachers who are so dear to you, yet they did not consider you as close to their heart, well for some reasons they don't like nitty gritty at some point. Favoritism is not allowed on her. She treated us fairly.

Why talking about her? She is not the topic here. OK, fast forward- have you ever been to a serious relationship that even your single breath should come from it? He is your life and your soul? All your life together it was more of fun and adventure, it seems that you can't live and last the day without him. Most of us is dreaming to have that type of relationship. Relationship that is pure and honest.

But what if that love you have will be tested by time? Will be wrecked by people around you? Will you still fight for your love?

Watch this.

To start this post, I am changing the topics from now on into positive and will be removing those negative posts i have on this blog.


When you have been beaten and scared to love, you won't expect something that of worth and happiness would hop on your life. It has been said that: "Love is a battlefield" wherein you get to fight, sacrifice, and win. The conjuring facts about love is just so wide as the universe, there are people who say "love is the sweetest thing." Hence there are those  who were maiming and trying to cope with brokenness. In  the arena of  love, we expected this fact that has been instilled on our minds by those great philosophers  of  whom at once fell in-love, and so there goes the words that are sweet, romantic and adoration came.Admittedly, anybody on this world would then agree, with such an amazing descriptions that noble people had said- even most of those were still being used to date.

There are famous lines and quotes that still on this present days have remained certain on our minds, the brilliance of our minds and its creativity works when we are inspired. When we are loved and taken cared of. But to be loved is not the easiest thing, there are those who have live life forever knowing selfishly unloved. All those years had they spent on looking for someone who will love them and let them know how majestic the world is, that it is the better place to live in.But then again, they were fooled, beaten and grew tired of wishing to have somebody on their side when they needed it. Hypocrisy sake, people would then say : oh come on, I can live without somebody beside me, but I am certain, deep inside and beyond that refuge phrases is a re-assuring hope to be loved someday.

We need human touch, I don't have to reiterate, explaining it to you foolishly. Giving you words that are well versed and practiced. We are born to love and be loved that's a fact!. In my stint on the radio station way back, I had this portion on my program where in my listeners should answer and say their piece about the issues that has been tackled. I couldn't fathomed so much on it though, understanding the dilemma of our minds, the struggles and every walks of life we are on today, I always find it amazing when the topic's all about love. So in any way, I somehow felt  relieved to know that there are still people who dreamt of making their love story a fairytale-y one. Who never dreamt of that huh?

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How many times would  I tell  you this and how many times will I remind you that you gotta be" patient!"

Am just bored. I need sex, that is it. And if you can't give it to me, a lot of options I could  do. Just don't hinder me. Don't stop me. You are not giving me what I need, a bit personal and drastic to woke you up every morning. But I got no option when it comes to this.

Are you tired of waiting? Dude, I'm still virgin. I don't know how it's gonna be like, being touched. I might die. Am afraid. Please understand me.

Understand you? How long will I wait?

Are you trying to measure my love for you?

No! You can't use love in here. All I want now is sex. I need it babe. Please don't starve me this way.

Dude am tired and afraid.

Uh oh. Okay you are tired and afraid, but do not stop me from going out and make myself satisfied. Do not stop me, you are making me fool from waiting. I already loose my patience on this matter.

Okay- is that all what you need? I'm setting you FREE!

As everyone else brag about how gross love for them, how impulsive it became and how love ruined their lives- yet there are those who wished that one day LOVE will to their way. If  falling in-love is something that everyone of us wishes to have one day, dreaming of being loved and to love like we have never been hurt before. To make  the world a better place to live in. It would be the most awesome thing to do!

But sometimes love can brought us into different arena the so-called battle. To fight for someone you love, to sacrifice everything for love.The  essence of love is to give and receive happiness, it gives cadence to the music, letting  the flower bloom on its fullness, wipe and took away pain and pour out life- because  love produces life.


But then again why there are pain? Why there are trouble? Why is that there are broken-hearts?

Love can be so boring, love can be grotesque and self centered but always remember it is not love, it is self imposed. Because true love never hurt, never grow tired and weary, it never become selfish nor greedy. It envy no one. Love knows no boundaries and distance. It paves the way of reaching out and making the impossibility to be possible. It is graspable. Love is sent from up above..

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I am quite afraid to share stories of my personal life, it is like a showbiz writers who love to write about other celebs yet they are afraid and keen on protecting their personal life and family. But sometimes I have to share some tidbits of it, nothings going to happened wrong if I may do it.

I keep it to myself not to share my family background. I lied to most of the people if they would asked me about my family. Well, you can't blame me for that. My family aren't celebrity or somebody who has high profile status, but as for me I don't feel like reiterating this and that.

Admittedly, I love my father half way empty. Yes, you heard it right, maybe the hatred is eating me whole. I can't take it abruptly, and just forget what he had done to my mother and my sisters and so to speak to me. Somewhat he had caused us pain and misfortune. His deeds that brought us into suffering, his negligence and laziness  caused us starvation. And his vehemence caused us to put a grudge on our heart. And so the hatred  flared up.

Growing up as a person and dealing with different personalities, I have seen myself striving to overcome  the fear of rejection, resisting on negative thoughts and on how to control my emotions towards others. I felt that some people are trying to get rid of me, I can't blame them cause I know for a fact that I have this tickly attitude. I reacted on things badly. Sometimes, I screwed up with little things that if only I  did think twice before doing such I may found solution that would pave the way of letting the morbid stuff  from happening.

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It feels like the a 30 days played  dynamically fast. Fooling our eyes with its routine each day, then  wondered and  murmured how the days run so fast. And now we are hitting the end point of 2011, sixty more days to come and we will be celebrating Yuletide season.

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What I love about the cyber space is we are able not just able to connect but we are able  to see great videos that would enlightened, equipped and melts our heart by the amazing deeds either by humans or animals..

See this amazing and heart warming video!

A REPOST:


Somewhere in Milaor, Camarines Sur, there lived a fourth grader boy who would follow this
 route to school everyday: He has to cross the rugged plains and cross the dangerous 
highway where vehicles are recklessly driving to and from.

Once past this highway, the boy would take a short cut, passing by the Church every morning just to say Hi to God, and faithfully say his, "Magandang umaga po" in Bicol dialect. He was faithfully being watched by a Priest who was happy to find innocence so uplifting in the morning,
"Kamusta, Andoy? Papasok ka na?"
"Opo padre ... "he would flash his innocent grin, the priest would be touched. He was so concerned that one day he talked to Andoy.
"From school...", he advised "Do not cross the highway, you can pass through the Church and I can accompany you to the other side of the road...that way I can see that you are home safe...."
"Thank you father ... "
"Why don't you go home ... why do you stay in this church right after school?"
"I just want to say 'Hi' to my friend, God," and the priest would leave the boy to spend time beside the altar, talking to himself, but the priest was hiding behind the altar to listen to what this boy has to say to his heavenly FATHER.

"You know my math exam was pretty bad today, but I did not cheat although my seatmate is bullying me for notes... I ate one cracker and drank my water, Itay had a bad season and all I can eat is this cracker.
Thank you for this! I saw a poor kitten who was hungry and I know how he feels so I gave my last cracker to him ... funny but I am not that hungry.
Look, this is my last pair of slippers ...I may have to walk barefoot next week, you see this is about to be broken... but it is okay....at least I am still going to school.... Some say we will have a hard season this month, some of my classmates have already stopped going to school .... please help them get to school again, please God?

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I have been struggling on boosting my self confidence and developing my self esteem. To earn those are the hardest thing amongst  teenagers and even those who have reach the level of good maturity. The fear, consciousness, insecurities of facing the odd is still visible and reigning inside us. Me personally  tried lots of things; it could be reading tips, talking to myself and inspiring myself to be good and to do good in things that i have been doing.

Basically having the confidence is like owning the precious gems in the night, or wearing your most expensive dress from Versace. You nailed everything and every time. Seems like there is no fear of conquering the odd and facing the giants. Every time you talked, you are secured that everything will turned out fine. So to assure  yourself  that everyone you have in front won't laugh at you and for you not to screwed up.

Yes confidence and self-esteem are the two of the hardest aspect of attitude that someone should posses. Having these aspect would give a "huge" edge amongst others who does not- and their fears are eating them lively.

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I used to labelled  myself as a "loser". Ain't no good in anything that i have been doing, no growth happened. Cnce I write, I wrote stupidity and grammatically wrong. Something that I had struggled to take it off from my system. It seems that those negative thoughts and such discrimination that I had been through affected me on moving and changing the route of my life.

All my life, I had been dreaming of becoming a successful writer, photographer and an established young professional. I envied others, why? They had so much in life, studies and love. With these aspects in life, I am unlucky and vehemently beaten.

Growing up from a family of "short minded ones" I never heard any dreams and plans on changing the status of our family. Satisfied with 3 times a day course a hand to mouth genre. Every one got  vivid picture of what is life out there, and how would our lives changed if we would choose to. I never blamed my parents why these things happened, they too never dreamt of letting us suffered the direness of a chaotic life we were in.

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(Google.com)

I am inspired by a blogger who wrote about his best friend, so I myself is mimicking what he did. I just realized that I should have to put some article/post for my bff. She deserves to be praised, thanked and loved for.

Our friendship started late 2005, when I was 15 year old and she was 24, see the huge gap between me and her? But that doesn't opposed us on making the impossibility of  becoming a solid best friends forever. Apart from being so cool to be with her, she is undeniably genuine and honest in lots of things. She taught me a lot, most especially on exercising my faith to God.

Her contribution on making it possible to feel the presence and His love in my life is really huge and fat. Forgiveness for my family, love for people and faith to God so the blessings would follow my way. Every Sunday we would go to the church, pray and worship God. I was once witness some mysterious act, when she was "speaking in tongues". At first i was scared, but she did told me that it is the manifestation of the Holy Spirit, and it would only fall once your heart is pure and have ask it heartily. The idea of seeing her giggling, crying out loud and prophesying things stunned me. Indeed she have shown me the miraculous hands of God touching people. Starting from that day, I was convinced to follow  God.

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(jedword.com)

This time I won't talk about anything, anything that is not related to you.

A woman of  fairness  and substance, you evolve in a very different way, submissive and valor. Grew up from a very conservative family, yet you acknowledge the contribution of the outside world in your life. Had married twice and gathered three children on the both.

Your fairness  and substance is something to ponder, being the breadwinner of the family, since the husband is struggling looking for a job and stability this field ( financially ailing) or maybe he is just too lazy to look for a job, or if  he had found one and the compensation plan aren't sustainable, he will then  refused to accept it. So it turned out to be a tasked for you to fed your children, sent them to school and give them everything they needed.

It was a nice thing of you. Really dreaming  to alter the predicament of your family, let them have the "good life" that once you dreamed of for your life. To think that, you would slept late, preparing for your little mercantile then woke up early to help your kids done their home works, helping them to clearly wrote the letters, shade the drawings- instruct them to get the basin and fill it with water then soaked their feet so to protect them from falling asleep. It's a tough job, being a mother of three.

Unlucky enough to finish your studies, at early age you got married without discovering the life out there. Instead you chosed to live innocently, living like there are no other world that evolves. No wonderlands of your dream, no fantasies, you don't even have any idea of what is fairy tales,and you got  the laid back thinking. The view and the mundane you have is the heaven to you, a fairy tale of your wonderland.

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