As I am crossing the bridge of life, I noticed I have gone through such troubles, success and failure. My life had been through good and bad times. Being the youngest of the brood, I am not quite lucky- I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally. Those four major major struggles I have been dealing nowadays. I wasn't yet free after relocating myself after 16 years of  facing those morbid stuffs. It is hard to figure out. But I never have any grudge against my parents who raised me well- I should know that there were things that I screwed up doing, and there were also things that they cannot provide.

Growing up with the imbalance world as i perceived. Unfair as I understand, cruel as I observed. Ruthlessly devoted to make me sick, tired of the situation that once and for all, a tot not deserving to faced those.

As this gruesome upbringing started to stirred up on my mind, I became aggressive on coming out and leaving from this horrendous life I have. I never dreamed to be punished, I never dreamed to be controlled with unruly way of parenting. Saying a word would end up eating my blood, speaking and justifying would end up full of patches- that all I can say " I will take revenge!"

But as the faith to God grows deeper, I slowly forgot most of them, had some tidbits remaining, since it's a process on taking them off from my mind and heart. Atleast all I see is just pure love and making myself munch the goodness of life. I am quite selfish these days, I cannot blame myself for this- i need to. I need to do this for me to be happy. I had been through such trouble, the nightmares still exists!

I can still hear the rantings, the blare. The yell. The curse. And the words which struck my life terribly. I was bruised, from head to toe. My heart was maltreated- abused since birth. I am rejected.

But things needed to be over, needed to be done and needed to forget. The forgiveness should be given to those who offended me roughly. Who took half of my childhood, where discovering the world of wonders is absolutely fun. Where my heart is pounding as I see the stars twinkling and  melting when I see the sun rise. I remember those days, where I was hang on the tree and inhaling the smoke that was being prepared by my mother. Watching those people passing by, staring at me rudely. It is like spanking me and telling me good for you. Go to hell. I was ashamed. I was redundantly cursed. I wasn't lucky with my childhood. I wasn't enjoying the benefit of being a toddler.

Cruelty is here and there. Seeing my parents crawling, fighting like a  two  wrestler who struggle and wanting to win the game. At the end, traumatic experiences is the plaque we gained. My sisters were well aware of this. I couldn't blame them from being so mean and protective to their own private lives, I couldn't blamed them from being such a whore, I know they needed love and care so as me.

Most of the time We had fights. Cat fights. They are well aware of what is life. I know they deserved such life that human being supposed to have. A joyful and peaceful life. Where love is enough to be shared and not to be kept for one's personal interest- greediness. I understand why my parents crushed us thoroughly. Stirred us roughly. They were rejected. They were abused. The pain is inevitable. they deserved to be loved. They deserved to be happy and have a peaceful life.

I understand. I love them..

I understand...

Posted on


Leave a Reply

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...