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Most of my posts talks about myself, "eh anu pa nga ba, para kanino pa ba?" my brain snaps a bit of rudeness in there. LOL. But truly, we've created our personal blogs to write our personal stories about pain, success, struggles and those experiences that we cannot forget, and we wanted to store them in cyber space not only to saved memories but at thesame time we wanted other people to read and reflect or better yet they can be able to learn something from it.
And most of the time, I write stuff that are rhetorical and logic less. Or ako nga lang ba yung nakaka intindi? Aside from the fact that til now, my English sucks. LOL..
On the serious mode now, I've closed my 2012 with a 20 mins prayer. I asked the Lord to help me restore my faith and to me draw closer to Him- of all things that I can ask, just my faith and His presence is what I've dreamt of restoring, my faith that describes "the best life" I have had in the past. The struggles are morbid, the world is chaotic but if my faith is wavey then I won't make sense on this world anymore. Given that the existence of a man is not measured on how many years he have lived, instead it is measured on how he live his life by knowing his purpose.
I have been conjuring thoughts whether to go back to the church or live the life that is futile. I got hooked into drugs, sex and futility is at hand. The future was uncertain for me that was.
But everything needs to be done rightly. It needs cultivation and weeding. With this, to step up for a greater future can be certain with the help of good and real friends at the same time with the help of God. I didn't regret on faults I have made, those sturdy nights spent on darting around town, blaring frustrations, enjoying/wasting- in a sense it made me realize that life is too short really to spent it on stupid stuff. The absence of the bible and God I've scoured that wilderness with drastic decisions and those indecisive acts I've came up.
Yes, i am recuperating, and to move on is hard, real hard! But when would I start? If not now. I need to reshape my life, shift the gear from bad deeds to great ones. I have to admit, drugs allowed me to gain more friends, shared my piece and at the same time I have become a refuge of those who cannot contain themselves from anything that they've been battling all through out their lives. Really, "WE just wanted to be listened to." There are people who you think, strong enough but deep inside they're as volatile as the stillness of the water. Fragile enough to be broken, so the drugs give them the freedom to express their side.
No one forced me to take drugs, it was I who decided to take that route, so far I never screwed up with some assholes, policemen and even to those I have parteed with. Though there were situations that I have to deal with someone who is negatively sensitive over matters. But in order to gain friends, you have to adjust, I live and let live. For them to be able to express their feelings as an individuals. Life is too short to fart it out stupidly. Like what I've said to them " Adik na nga tayo, tapos mambo-bwesit ka pa ng kapwa adik, eh di okay yun."
I need to move on, have a better life and change for the better. God knows how hard it is for me, it is a step by step process again- to narrow it down I am beginning to start a new life. I am not promising nor taking a vow to not to take the route that at some point almost ruined my life, i would so ridiculous then. i don't know what life has to offer. But what is certain now, I am drawing myself CLOSER TO GOD.