It has been a while since losing my grip and trying to spoil my life once more. I know it is delusional to say I have fuck it up again. Well, to be honest I did.

I woke up late this day, with a heavy heart and a clouded mind. I was not use to be having this, but the long gone exposure from drugs, sex and wilderness just steamed up the gravity of it all. As much as I wanna speed up my recovery from the insanity  that I am in today, it feels suffocating already. I went straight to the bathroom and have some hot shower to hope that it would eases the mental clouding.

The cinching and grinding of my teeth startled me. I am damn scared I might have a locked jaw problem soonest, or worst would be a deformed face. It is dubious to think all of those, but i am definitely sure it may happened.

Aside from not going to the job for almost two weeks now, I am as well pressured on earning some for my rent and for my daily needs. In as much, I find it ridiculous to start over again- then the mental cloudedness struck. What on earth have I done to myself? And what the hell do I need to do to stop the hallucinations I have inside. This must stop, or else I am going to die.

A well fucked up life, perhaps. A beautiful fucked up life. It is pretty dramatic, I'm aghast to change my life, my routine and my story.

Some nights where I wish I am walking on the streets of New York, wearing a beautiful suit, with a leather bag on my hand. And some nights where I wanted to  shun myself away from the tremor of my past, the darkest times and those grotesque scenes from the movie Saw.

"Have Peace" someone said. But the more I look for it, the more it shuns' away. Where would I find it?  Is it in Argentina? or in Estonia?

This is getting crappier already. I have doze off, I need some clear mindset and a good platform of perspective. This is a fucked up yet amazing life I have. I would never barter it with anything and to anyone in this world. Cause this is my sweet chaotic life.