Throwback to the years (2008-2009)where this song came out and where my innocence was at its peak, where discoveries are tantamount to being ignorant, indolence towards things. Where insecurities were the focal point for being young and naive. Disdainful and bragging.

Life back then was all about discoveries, from within myself and to the world. As I was scouring the whole place to fit in, pushing myself on learning the basics of being gay and the hardest part of overcoming the awkwardness that I had. It was indeed a battle of composure. As others felt good about themselves, had this and that, I found myself in misery. A total mess, out of that innocent face lies a dream, a dream to make it in life, to be real and to be able to discover my strengths as an individual.

Truly, finding ourselves could be daunting. There has been a lot of influences we may encounter, changes inside and outside of our body. Our being that is dictated by the society. Where physical is up above the cut, and the standard of beauty is based on the physical alone. (As is for today anyway)

My point here is that, there was a time in my life where I was awkward, bitter and indecisive. Filled with fear to do things I love and choosing to step back when I could always step forward. Back in those years where I tried to keep myself away from the guidance of my family. And experienced the massive changes that a young soul could bear. Gladly I may have stumbled upon those rocks, tiptoed upon the fire and cried in wallow because of my actions, yet I gladly studied the walks of life, the way it treats people and the way must I live my life.

I was bitter about my physical appearance, Learning to better myself was a step by long step next. Harrowing, taunting and painful. Criticisms were undefined. I look like this and that awful.. yadah yadah.. yadah..

I had too much to bear, to much to carry and yet I had a lot to learned to. Everything was a massive 180 degree sudden change. From a low key kid to a more aggressive and hurtful teenager. Indecisive as I was, I had tried to cross the limits of being young, experimented with different types of things a person could learn. Some succeeded but mostly I failed in disdain.

Fast forward to today and how I see my future, I can say it is a lot different from those innocent yet aggressive years. Way better when it comes to decision-making and a much more mature lad who knows his priorities in life. A loving friend and a person full of goals to achieve. I am still the person whom I described, but this is the better version of him. Mature and happy. There are nuances in my life these days but damn it, I am vividly guided by my experiences and the mistakes I  have learned to not to do it again. I am better when it comes to thinking, when it comes to how I look, a more satisfied and accepting individual.

And most importantly I am confidently handsome according to how I see myself and how I see the world.

Way to go for me, I still have a lot to carry, puzzles to solve and challenges to be facing but hear me I can handle it with grace under pressure. Life is always a battle between me, myself and I. As I grow older I also tend to realize the importance of the people around me and their contributions in my life.

Way to go. I am excited and happy to be living this rhetorical life I have. Thank you Lord.

Flair of a wallflower

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