Today seems to be the hardest day of my life, well it started late afternoon yesterday. Seemingly what my proctor told us stunned me badly. I was trying to focus on the greater side of the new job I got into, I mean this means a lot to me. I haven't been working for nearly a year and getting a job with a decent pay is great enough for me to survive day by day.
I told you on my previous post that I joggled two things- but this time it seems I am joggling to confusing things: one I am doubting my capabilities in making it into this realm of banking. Two I am taking the option of finding another job, another process and another sacrifices to make. I am scared, I know it is lame for me to act like this, but there are reasons and facts that I cannot spit out just easily. Considerations and some stuff I have hidden myself for so long.
We all know that we can do best if we are in the place and in a job where we love and passionate about. And I wanted it that way too.
I know I am colliding on something that you would be wondering what it is, I am scared of something that I couldn't even spit out. Believe me, it is tough to be myself. I have gone through hell and with all the variety of trials and drastic changes I had been through I gotten myself street smart. Hence I am not making this as a reason for me to be at ease that by all means "I will still survive." Nope, I will not.
The loneliness is starting to eat me, furthermore my friend is asking me about "when will I be leaving" I can't even delve into this right now. I am trying to set myself into a mood where I could think of better options rather than delaying my bum days for more. I need to hit up the bandwagon at thesame time have a plan to change my routine and predicament today. It is hard to not have a job and money for myself. It's delirious.
Will I survive? I will. Will I make a change? I will. Will I get a job? I will.
So help me God!
struggle
Somebody had suggested me to go to gym last year, at first I am hesitant knowing that I might just passed out, with those heavy plates and assuming there would be some boastful naggers who would strut their muscles flaunting it like there's no tomorrow.
Reluctant yet I got my ass off to go to gym, at first glance I screwed my balance out. Whoa, those are huge plates and on the other side of the gym were Ateneo students who were rampaging each other. Noisy and cluttered is just all over the place. The plates and bars are untidily disposition. I couldn't deny that these guys got some yayas and nannies who do their laundries and fixed their beds, even wash their undies. But I am not here for them. I am here because I need to be fit. I am so desperate to just at least increase some weight. I have done those milk before bed, early to bed- and those jogging mantra but it didn't worked out. As an ectomorph type of physique it would be so hard for me to really gain some weight asap. My metabolism is fast.
I started my first week with a blast. First day of work out was successful, but the battle wasn't actually on that first day, it is on the second and on those morbid body pain days that past. Instead of quitting, I set my mind on the goal of gaining weight after three months. And if I couldn't find any changes at all, then gym's not my thing. In my surprise, after three solid months, I gained weight! From 48 kilos to 54. It was so amazing to look back and see the growth I have gained from going to the gym. From then on, I eagerly visits the gym, I go alone-I would never mind if I am the only one lifting. In my mind what's important is I have to grow more weight. I was able to attain my goal and at the same time, my discipline on lack of sleep, those stressful nights, my undecided rants and as well as I just didn't gain weight I gain good friends.
At night I look at my reflection in the mirror, I saw a guy who is braver, more open to possibilities, confident and at thesame time a person who is sexy inside out.
For the past ungrateful days of mine, I suck up inside the room, I wanted to be alone, talk less and let my mind do the thinking of himself. There are times that I am so terrified that might be one day I will just woke up sleeping on the street, which would be dire if that thing happens. Crossing my fingers not to! And sometimes I fell off the chair, staring unconsciously. The out of work issue melted me down, and the so-called Mr. Depression would come his way to rescue me, obnoxiously to the pit of horrendous life-cracking place.
I am figuring things out, thinking when would that job come its way to me. I've exerted great effort spending time on jobstreet to send my resumes, everyday my routine is to sit down on this tiny orange pumpkin stall we have, excitedly checking mails. Hoping that some companies would respond to my application. Some did, but heck- it's call center agent job. I personally don't hate working with this industry, it's just that I hate working on a graveyard shift. My body would then suffer traumatically.
Mike would then insisted that I don't have any other choice than getting a graveyard shift so I would have food to eat, money to spent. Life's getting more and more rhetorical each day. I felt that as I have grown maturely or on the other hand, things are getting complicated. Some says, we don't need to complicate things when it is already given simply. I believe so- but that does not take the part of adjustment. To others it might be simple, but to me- it's getting wearier on my eyes. Hilariously said, life is full of shit, and that's a fact.
